Ode To Oprah

I received an offer from O, The Oprah Magazine for a $12 yearly subscription.  I haven’t been a subscriber in a while but since the show is ending and a $1 per month price is crazy, good, I decided to send in a check.  Besides getting a free O totebag and a chance to win a Kindle loaded with every Oprah book pick ever featured, I also got a leaflet that noted Oprah’s all time, top 10 “What I know For Sure” tenets.

In honor of the final Oprah show airing tomorrow and all that we’ve learned from her many guests, I’d like to give a shout out to Ms. Winfrey as these tenets definitely have stood and will continue to stand the test of time.  Some I’ve used. Other’s I’m still working on.  All I’ll try to pass down to my daughters.

1. What you put out comes back to you.
2. You define your own life.
3. The past has no power over the present.
4. When people show you who they are, believe them.
5. Worrying is a waste of time.
6. You become what you believe.
7. The only prayer you ever need to say is Thank You.
8. Your happiness is directly proportional to the amount of love that you give.
9. Failure is an opportunity to go in an different direction.
10. If your thoughts and choices are different from others the world will not fall apart.

Number 4 is the tenet that has helped me the most.  I’ve ended friendships, kept my distance from people, made important life decisions – all to my advantage by  following that nugget of wisdom.  I use it at work, at home, in my neighborhood and even at dinner parties.  I used to make excuses for people’s behavior.  I now see bad behavior as information that I need to have.

Other Oprah life lessons that I’ve benefitted from are:

1. To get your attention, the universe will drop a pebble on your head.  If that doesn’t work, it’ll drop a rock, then a brick, etc.  I’ve found that over the years, I’m better at reacting to the pebble and not needing a piano to drop on me.  Thank you, Oprah.
2. When you see crazy coming – Cross the street! Iyanla Vanzant  taught us that one and it’s very similar to the when people show you who they are, believe them philosophy from the above list.  It also works with when you see bitterness, laziness, judgement, I’m going to take advantage of you, or I’m going to be a pain in your ass, coming – cross the street as well.
3. Knowing when you’re trying to be right versus trying to solve a problem.  (A Dr. Philism from his early days pre-his own show). This has assisted me when having discussions with my husband as well as shaped many an argument with my teenage daughters. I’ve definitely not mastered it, but at least it’s in my consciousness.
4. Truly tapping into and trusting your intuition is one of the most powerful things that you can do for yourself.  I’ve had the opportunity to be in situations where I knew no one, had no background information and only had my intuition to guide me.  My internal guidance system was eerily accurate during those times. Thank you Gary Zukav for sharing this with your readers and the Oprah show audience
5. Seeing fear as a gift that keeps you safe.  Security expert Gavin de Becker’s idea that you should ALWAYS listen to that voice in your head and never out logic yourself when it comes to your safety.  Who knows if it’s worked as I’ve never been a victim of anything violent, which could in fact be proof in and of itself.

I can honestly say that over the last 25 years, I’ve learned quite a bit from Oprah’s show, her magazine and all of the experts she’s featured.  Of course not everyone agrees.  Joan Rivers was once quoted by The National Enquirer as saying that ”She feels Oprah’s real gift is exploiting people’s suffering and emotions and turning them into TV ratings.”  I don’t think she exploited people’s suffering as much as she’s wanted her audience to learn from it.  Many of her viewers featured these last few weeks have illustrated that point by coming forward to share how the show has changed them, or even saved them.

One woman said that a show about safety made her fight an attacker to avoid being taken to second location and thus saved her life as her attacker as she later discovered that her attacker had killed people in this manner.

Another viewer said that show about a stressed out mom who’s baby died when she forgot and left her in a hot car made her a more mindful parent.  When her own baby’s cries that she normally ignored as fussiness seemed different one afternoon, she remembered the mom that had been featured, walked into the nursery only to find her infant being strangled by the cord of her window blinds. She believes that being inspired to be more present saved her child’s life.

One mom said that advice given to a grieving mom on Oprah was her only “anchor” as she dealt with the overwhelming grief that she was experiencing when her own child died.

That’s powerful and important television.  How many talk show hosts even come close to that?

Oprah isn’t perfect.  Not every guest was phenomenal.  In fact, I’m still a little confused as to why she gave so much airtime to celebrities without medical training spouting medical advice?  But in the end, even the gaffes are okay because I also believe that…

1. The universe honors intentions not necessarily outcomes

and I believe that her’s were good.  She never guaranteed results as much as she simply gave us more options.

I think the Season 25: Oprah Behind The Scenes show that’s been airing on OWN really drove home how the “Oprah Way” of doing things is not a bad way to live. Each week you get a behind the scenes look at Oprah and her team pulling together two shows.  Many of these hard working producers (that are clearly working long, stressful hours) are at their core, very centered and present people.  When something goes wrong, they are surprisingly calm, compassionate and gracious, even.  They, along with Oprah, seem to really live this “Oprahic lifestyle”, if you will.  Yes they get angry and disappointed and flustered, because they’re human – but they stay centered in a way that you don’t see illustrated in most reality shows. It makes you wonder what it would be like to work in an environment like that every day?  Or better yet, be the type of person that brings that energy to a work environment each day.  Maybe that’s why the show has been so successful – because it’s not only been hosted by Oprah, but produced by people that are very “Oprah-like”.  People with good intentions that are mindfully attempting to do their jobs well.

I’m definitely going to miss Oprah.  I think women over 50 are just beginning to settle into their power so imagine what else she could’ve taught us had her show stayed on the air?  I look forward to seeing what she’ll do with an entire network.  I’m guessing that it’ll be pretty spectacular.

Thank You Oprah.  Wishing you all the best.

Some Yoga Posts

I was the administrator for my yoga studio’s blog during our 21 Day Yoga Challenge, which piss poor excuse or not, is why I’ve been neglecting my own.

Here are 2 posts that I placed on their blog, Shine, this past month:

Falling Down and Beyond The 21 Day Challenge.  Enjoy!

 

21 Day Yoga Challenge

I mentioned participating in Sol Yoga’s 21 Day Yoga Challenge in previous posts.  Hence my lack of blogging here, as I’m supposed to blogging on Shine, Sol Yoga’s blog.  I posted there today if you’re interested.  I’m warning you – it’s not pretty, but it’s honest.  More importantly, others have blogged and over the past week and Shine is becoming an eclectic mix of inspiration, artwork, poetry, and insights.

Check it out, when you have a chance.

Day Three

I’m counting today as a yoga day even though I taught because I demonstrated about 45 minutes of yoga poses as there were many new-to-yoga folks in my class at noon.  If I can unroll my mat again tonight, that would be great.  If not, I’m not too concerned.  Besides…

I’m sore as shit.  It’s not pretty.  You can read about it over at the Sol Yoga Blog, Shine.

http://solyoga.blogspot.com/2011/01/2-days-in-row.html

When all eyes are on you, you tend to hold the pose longer or go for the more advanced version, only to pay for it later.  What can I say.  I’ve got an ego too, you know.

What could I have possibly learned in only three days you ask?  Actually a lot.  I have completely dreaded 2 out of the 3 classes this week, only to feel 100% better afterward.  Clearly exercise is one of those things you have to force yourself to do.  If you’re waiting to be the person that LOVES to exercise, plan on waiting a long time.

There’s also something about feeling sore that although is painful, is better than the pain and discomfort you feel from feeling creaky, old and out of shape.  There’s a power to this kind of pain, that is transformative.  So even though I haven’t lost a pound, my clothes don’t fit differently and my yoga practice hasn’t advanced in the least, there’s potential there that I can literally feel inside my body and that’s pretty intoxicating.

Makes you wonder why the hell I had pushed my practice to the back burner for so long?  I’m sure I’ve felt this way before – many times in fact.  What kind of dumb ass am I?

Guess that’s another topic, for another day.  Regardless, someone please remind me of this post the next time I chuck my exercise program, okay?  Promise?  Thanks! 

21 Day Challenge

I work at a terrific yoga studio in town, called Sol Yoga. One of the things I like about Sol is that the owner simply wants people to do yoga.  She’s not interested in becoming a yoga superstar or being at the helm of a vast yoga empire, she just wanted to get more people in Frederick, MD into a yoga studio, so she opened one six years ago.  This little, 4th floor walk up studio with a few teachers and volunteer staff has grown to 2 locations, 3 yoga spaces, 20+ certified teachers,  20+ volunteers, 100+ classes a month and even has a spin off called, Little Sols which is a yoga studio for kids.

Literally at Sol you can do yoga from the womb onward.  Although we don’t specifically have a senior yoga class, yet, I’ve taught and/or taken many a class with students in their 70′s and 80′s.

As a teacher, I enjoy seeing my advanced students rock advanced poses, but my favorite yoga teacher moment to date was when I yelled out “Ardha Chandrasana” (Half-Moon Pose) and had a woman in her 80′s nod yes, when I offered her an assist and whispered, “Do you want to try it?”

Image from Yogapostures.com

She not only tried it – she did it!  It was amazing.

But here’s the down side to being a yoga teacher.  You spend so much time teaching and thinking about teaching and thinking about the music you want to use while you’re teaching, that you end up spending less time doing yoga for yourself.  Because of this, Sol is challenging all staff to participate in a 21 Day Yoga Challenge.  The theory being that you can’t truly inspire students if you’re not doing yoga yourself.  She’s hoping it’ll kick start in all of us a drive to, “Do More Yoga and See What Happens“

We start next week.  So as not to shock my system, I’m starting today.  Meaning, I’m going to put yoga first and not the pile of laundry, or the fact that I need to run to the grocery store or the realization that I took down all of my Christmas decorations but forgot to take down the garland outside my front door.  It’ll all get done whether I go to yoga or not, so why not go?

This challenge is open for staff but anyone can do it along with us.  Interestingly,  Yoga Journal is also challenging their readers to a 21 Day Challenge next Monday as well.  This is a great way to get some free yoga videos sent to your in-box each morning that allows anyone to join in no matter where you’re located.

If however, you do reside in Frederick and have always wanted to get into yoga, I strongly recommend Sol Yoga.  If you’re completely new to the studio, you can sign up for 2 weeks of unlimited yoga for a mere $25.  It’s the most cost effective way to experiment with different teachers, classes, times and styles without breaking the bank.  Friday nights at Sol mean, $5 happy hour yoga.  There are 2 donation only classes where you pay what you want, if anything.  There’s a ton of hour long, $10 classes if you can’t afford or don’t have the time for a 75 minute, $15 class.  And of course, there are many specialty packages you can purchase to keep your costs down and your yoga participation up.

2010 was supposed to be the year I was going to fully commit to my yoga practice.  Instead I went back to work and spent every ounce of my free time recommitting to speech therapy.  After 9 months of working, I think I’ve got a routine down, so I’m happy to switch gears and make 2011 my year of living yogaliciously.  Should be interesting.  I’ll keep you posted.

New Year – More Yoga

Happy New Year.  So far 2011 is pretty cool (even though the Pittsburgh Penguins lost the Winter Classic to the Washington Capitals yesterday – UGH!). But other than that, life is good.  Got to hang with family and eat some delicious food and I must say, I’m ready to head back to Frederick and get 2011 cracking.

One thing that will change is that my duties at my yoga job have expanded such that I’ll be blogging for the studio at their blog, entitled, Shine.  Which means I’ll be doing more yoga.  Which means, I’ll be getting healthier.  Because of that, my blogging may be more along the lines of yoga/health/food these next few months.  Since this isn’t a yoga/health/food blog, I will simply link to those posts from this blog and if you feel inclined to head over and read about my yoga adventures, feel free.

The first post of 2011 is New Year – More Yoga.  Enjoy.

Be An Investor Next Year

I stumbled on an interesting site this morning.  Kickstarter founded by Perry Chen, Yancey Strickler and Charles Adler, is (per their website description)…

The largest funding platform for creative projects in the world.  Every month, tens of thousands of amazing people pledge millions of dollars to projects from the worlds of music, film, art, technology, design, food publishing and other creative fields.

A new form of commerce and patronage.  This is not about investment or lending. Project creators keep 100% ownership and control over their work.  Instead they offer products and experiences that are unique to each project.

All or nothing funding.  On kiskstarter, a project must reach its funding goal before time runs out or no money changes hands.  Why?  It protects everyone involved.  Creators aren’t expected to develop their porject without necessary funds, and it allows anyone to test concepts without risk.

Each and every project is the independent creation of someone like you.  Projects are big and small, serious and whimsical, traditional and experimental.  They’re inspiring, entertaining and unbelievably diverse.

So what does that mean for you?  Like honey?  Super.  You can kickstart The Bees Of Crockett…

Earl Flewellen's Artisan Honey, anyone?

and they’ll send you some of their delicious honey.

Enjoy street photography?  Then kickstart the documentary, Finding Vivian Maier…

Her work was discovered at an auction and once revealed to the world via John Maloof's blog, has become a viral sensation.

and get a copy of the DVD.

Always wanted to write that book?  Make that product?  Develop that software? Start that business?  Finally get your yoga teacher training?

No really.  I’m serious.

Neal Pollack , writer of the very funny, Stretch: The Unlikely Making of a Yoga Dude got his 200 hour yoga teacher training funded on Kickstart.

Very funny book whether you're into yoga or not.

If you gave him a dollar, you got an email excerpt from his latest book and he promised satirical postings about his training.  If you pledged $200 you got signed copies of various books, handmade jewelry and collages from his artist, wife, Regina Allen, plus a private yoga class for you and 15 of your friends per completion of his training.

Of course now I’m wondering how I can kickstart something and what gifts I would give in exchange for getting my dream off the ground.  I could get my own public access talk show funded by giving free speech therapy to any donors that pledge, say, $500 AND have a lisp.  I could finally write the follow up to Confessions of a Self-Help Junkie, entitled, Confessions of a Diet Junkie, and promise folks free copies of my books.  And a food scale.   Or maybe, like Neal, I’ll get my 500 RYT training funded someday by a group of people that dig me, have a few bucks to spare, and just so happen to need accent reduction therapy or vocal training?

But enough about me and my pipe dreams.  Head on over to Kickstarter and see if there’s a project that resonates with you that you’d like to fund and get cracking.  Or better yet, dust off that great idea that you’ve been pushing toward the back of your brain and get moving!  You’ve got no excuses now.

 

Time For Me To Fly

I get that health care is really a misnomer for disease management and I’m fine with that. I’m also okay with being in charge of my own health and wellness while allowing my doctors to be in charge of my ailments.  I’ll happily explore things like nutrition, yoga, and other lifestyle choices on my own, but when it comes to my disease I expect, no, I demand, that my doctor know more about it than me.

Keeping the above in mind I’d like to bitch a little about my last neurological appointment. Understand that my neurologist isn’t a big ball of fire. He pretty much told me I had MS in the same way he would’ve ordered a shot of wild turkey with a beer chaser.  He very matter of factly told me what drug I should take, gave me some web sites to browse and instructed me to come back after I’ve been on my meds for a month which is fine.  I don’t need him to be my friend, I just need him to be damn good at his job.

Last week was only the 3rd time I’ve ever seen the guy and clearly our relationship hasn’t progressed to the point that he remembers me and my disease progression off the top of his head.  There’s a lot of shuffling of papers and rereading of notes when I stop in for a visit which honestly, doesn’t last very long. But each time I pop in, I seem to have a slight increase in symptoms that although aren’t earth shattering in the big grand scheme of MS indicators, are a change for me.

This month I reported more fatigue in my legs, some numbness in my feet, continued word finding problems, a feeling of urgency before urinating and being itchy as all hell from my Copaxone injection to which he replied, “Uh huh.  That’s all pretty common.”

Normally, I would’ve pressed him – no one likes to feel like they might piss their pants while forgetting the word “bathroom” – but the clock was ticking so I decided to spend my remaining moments discussing the new CCSVI info with him.   I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy sell, being such a new idea in the field of MS and all, but being that I’ve got a disease that he manages, this should be right up his alley.

Right?  I mean, I have Multiple Sclerosis.  Every neurologist on the planet with a web site, lists this disease as something he or she manages.

So you can imagine my shock when I, a housewife from Frederick, Maryland, made the realization that I knew more about CCSVI than my neurologist, otherwise know as, my DISEASE MANAGEMENT SPECIALIST!

The dude had never heard of it!  The look on his face was eerily similar to look on my mother’s face back in 1980 when I had to explain that REO Speedwagon was a rock group and pronounced R.E.O. and not Rio, like the Brazilian city.  At least that conversation made sense.  She was an adult with a love of Doo-Wop and  I was a 6th grader who hung out regularly at the National Record Mart.  Why the hell would she know what REO stood for?

But this guy’s my neurologist! Why the hell wouldn’t he know about shit that’s going on his field? Granted, the vascular system isn’t his thing, but Multiple Sclerosis is!  Medicine tells me that a neurologist is my “go-to-guy” on this.  That means that if a proctologist in Rio discovers that clinching one’s ass cheeks while listening to “Take it on the run” decreases the incidence of Multiple Sclerosis, he better damn well know about it.

I was so taken aback, I actually forgot what CCSVI stood for.  I quickly regrouped and viewed this SNAFU as an opportunity and began to explain the high correlation between folks with MS and certain veinous abnormalities when he walked over to his computer, went to the National MS Society’s web site, and started clicking around.  Here’s what happened next:

DMSD (Disease Management Specialist Dude): Oh here it is. (Finds CCSVI listed on the NMSS web site)

Linda: The University of Buffalo has a study underway in an attempt to replicate Zamboni’s results…(Feverishly trying to make this information sound scientific, valid and for God’s sakes American)

DMSD: Um huh… (Continues to click around the site while pretending to listen to me)

Linda: What’s really amazing is that Zamboni’s MS patients experienced decreased symptoms after angioplasty was performed on their veins …

DMSD: Oh, I see, now, this is just another new idea that may lead to some discoveries in the future. (Exits out of web site and continues with my neurological exam in a very, this conversation is now over, sorta way)

I’m happy to report that I didn’t cuss him out or pull the rubber plexor out of his hand and check to see if he had any reflexes near his scrotum. I didn’t go into the diatribe I had planned about why pharmacological “maybes” in the world of MS are more acceptable than one from the vascular world, like I did in my last blog post. In fact, once I realized that our conversation had ended before it actually started I decided to calmly (and with only two cuss words) throw out one last tidbit of information.

Linda: Hey Doc, getting back to the CCSVI stuff.  Just so you know, people are pissed.  There’s been no media coverage in this country, so folks are banding together.  Some of the most thought provoking information out there is on Facebook of all places which doesn’t say a lot about the more official web sites that have to do with MS. What you need to realize is that people are undergoing risky medical procedures like inserting stents in their veins by specialists that might know a lot about the vascular system but don’t know shit about MS, so you might want to stay up on this information ’cause I guarantee you, your MS patients are.

DMSD: Um…okay…thanks.  (Insert awkward pause here) So you’re looking good.  Honestly, I don’t see any reason that I can’t wait and see you in about a year?

At which point I reminded him that if I wait a year to see him I’ll be 6 months overdue for my next MRI – you know that little thing he needs to see if the expensive drug I take is actually working.

DMSD: Oh yeah, you’re right.  Okay, I’ll see you in 6 months.

I thanked him for his time and made sure to shake his hand because, my ass he’s going to see me in 6 months.  The way I see it, I have 6 months to find another disease management specialist dude or dudette to work with.

For the first few days after that appointment I was halfway between really pissed and close to tears, because what I learned last Wednesday scared the crap out of me.  Turns out that health care isn’t even a disease management system.  It’s a symptom management system and since my symptoms aren’t that bad there’s not much to manage until my symptoms get worse, which really freaks me out.

I thought my doctor was supposed to help me AVOID as many symptoms as possible, not just manage them when they pop up.  Why not see me monthly or even quarterly and work with me so I stay as healthy as possible instead of putting me on the back burner with instructions to only call if I have a problem?  I have MS!  Of course I’m going to have problems!  The question isn’t if, but when and to what degree.

I thought I had a partner that was going to use his medical knowledge to keep me as healthy as possible.  It just sucks to realize that this isn’t the case at all.

Yoga Teacher Training

Dorcas doing Dancer Pose

I’ve spent the last 8 months learning about a five thousand year old practice called yoga.  As you can imagine, a two-hundred hour program merely scratched the surface yet I learned a lot and that’s a testament to the program I was enrolled in.

Sol Yoga’s teacher training program was an eclectic mix of styles and traditions led by an non-dogmatic instructor who was more interested in unleashing our inner teacher than creating teachers that copied her style and demeanor.  And that’s why Sol Yoga, owned by Dorcas Qyunn McWilliams, is a great place to not only learn about yoga, but practice in general.

Yoga teacher training started out simple, only to become more complex the more I studied.  Ask me what yoga is and I’m not sure that I’d even have an answer for you at this point.  I simply know too much to do justice to the term and even the official dictionary definitions of yoga are long winded and obscure.

This Sanskrit word has various meanings, one of which means union, thus most people think of yoga as something that unifies or connects the mind, body and spirit.  That tells us what yoga does, but the jury is still out on what exactly yoga is.  Is it a system?  A discipline?  A philosophical way of life?  Or is it merely a form of exercise that can give you a nice ass?

Cindi Lee,  yoga instructor and contributor to Yoga Journal gives a nice definition:

The word yoga, from the Sanskrit word yuj means to yoke or bind and is often interpreted as “union” or a method of discipline. A male who practices yoga is called a yogi, a female practitioner, a yogini.

The Indian sage Patanjali is believed to have collated the practice of yoga into the Yoga Sutra an estimated 2,000 years ago. The Sutra is a collection of 195 statements that serves as a philosophical guidebook for most of the yoga that is practiced today. It also outlines eight limbs of yoga: the yamas (restraints), niyamas (observances), asana (postures), pranayama (breathing), pratyahara (withdrawal of senses), dharana (concentration), dhyani (meditation), and samadhi (absorption). As we explore these eight limbs, we begin by refining our behavior in the outer world, and then we focus inwardly until we reach samadhi (liberation, enlightenment).

Today most people practicing yoga are engaged in the third limb, asana, which is a program of physical postures designed to purify the body and provide the physical strength and stamina required for long periods of meditation.

Some say yoga was invented out of necessity because sages that were rigidly sitting for hours in meditation decided to move to avoid pain and stiffness. This resulted in poses being created that were linked via the breath.  Thus yoga is literally a moving meditation and every time you unroll your mat this is what you’re attempting to do as well.

Notice I said meditation and not prayer because the one thing I know for sure is that yoga is not a religion.  I wasn’t ordained as a yoga priestess, just certified as a yoga teacher.  I’ve never been baptized in yoga or asked to confirm any specific yogic belief system.  All I’ve ever been asked to do in a yoga class, is breathe.

There are many types of yoga to choose from and based on the type of class you attend, yoga can be a sweat inducing, strength training, cardiovascular workout or a calm, relaxing, and restorative way to increase range of motion, flexibility and reduce stress.  Therefore if you’re intrigued about yoga, do NOT only go to one class and make your decision.  Try out various classes, teachers and styles before you decide if yoga is something that you want to add to your life.

If you can’t find a class in your area, there are DVD’s that you can buy, thousands of free videos on Youtube as well as membership based sites that allow you to experience yoga.  And when I start teaching, I’ll let you know so you can come try out my style as well.

PTA Tips

In about a week I will officially be done volunteering for this school year.  I’ve been the parent in charge of the Parkway Elementary Safety Patrol and Spirit Week, co-in charge of the 5th Grade Fun Day, co-in charge of the Challenge 24 Math Team, helped with teacher appreciation and will pitch in next week for Field Day.  Besides all that I’ve been a somewhat active member of the West Frederick Middle School PTSA (helping with the family giving drive, restaurant nights as well as membership and publications for new students), a parental volunteer for the spring drama performance of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, pitched in items for the 8th grade formal and will help out next week at the 8th grade picnic.   

I’ve definitely hit the PTA wall this year.  I’ve been volunteering in some capacity since 1998, when my eldest entered her “Time For Two’s” Preschool class and usually I pace myself pretty well.  But this year, I’m not sure what happened.  I didn’t anticipate begin in charge of certain activities and the ones I knew I would be running, were more work than I expected.  I survived.  I’ll be fine, but I feel the need to lay out some tips for other mom’s out there to help them avoid splattering like a bug against the PTA windshield of life.

I’m basically a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM) that works here and there. Therefore, I expect to do more than a working mom when it comes to school volunteerism.  I figure I’m doing your part at the school so that when I need an accountant or a physical examination, you’ll be there for me.  Because of this, I will NEVER throw a working mom under the PTA bus.  But let me tell you a little secret.  The working moms that are volunteering a lot at school, they’ll not only throw you under the bus, they’ll be the one driving it when it runs you over.  They keep score.  And because they’re taking off work, damn it, to help out, they’re curious why the hell you can’t also?  I’m not kidding. So to all the working moms out there, do something – anything - to keep the other working mom volunteers from becoming snipers on the roofs of schools with loaded shot guns:

• Respond to emails.  Even if you can’t help, hit “reply” and say that you can’t help because you have to work and thank them for all that they do for your kid.  Like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, “They wont be ignored”.  
• Send in some cash.  When you see the SAHM in the grocery store buying cupcakes for the class party, give her five bucks because you may think that she’s turning in a receipt and getting reimbursed – trust me – she’s not.  Help her out.
• See if there’s anything you can do at home in the evenings or on the weekends.  Sometimes the help needed is to research the best moon bounce deal.  You can do that online at night.  Maybe the next time you run to Costco, you can pick up some stuff for the picnic.  You’re going to be there anyway – kill two birds with one stone.  
• Be specific.  You’re busy.  We get that.  So say exactly what you can and can’t do and trust that the other PTA moms will respect that.  Helping out even one time, helps out a lot.  In fact, if everyone did a little, a lot would get done and no one would snap.    
• If you don’t have the guts to set up your parameters and enforce those boundaries with the other PTA moms – grow a pair.  It’s the PTA for Christ sake, not the Mafia.  You can say no.  No one is going to break your knee caps.  But avoiding everyone and every request for help because you don’t want to get sucked in to a situation you don’t have time for is a lame-ass excuse.  You’re an adult.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.
• If you really can’t help it’s not a problem.  Besides work, we realize that you actually have a life and other responsibilities and instead of volunteering at school you might very well be swinging a hammer at Habitat For Humanity or manning the 24 hour suicide hotline on your days off.  Just don’t bitch about about the school volunteers and don’t expect the ones actually doing the work to do things your way.  

Now, a few tips for the many SAHM’s that volunteer a lot for the PTA.  I don’t mean to break ranks and criticize from within, but some of you are little nutty and need some feedback.  Understand that this comes from a place of love.  

• You chose to quit your job and stay at home.  Using the PTA as your pseudo power base to make you feel productive and important is not appropriate.  You’re there to help parents, teachers and students, not to fill the hole created when you stopped earning a paycheck.  If you need outside recognition to function properly, consider getting a part-time job where you will be paid and expected to boss people around. 
• Decide if you’re a worker bee or a leader-type and then do what’s recuired in that role.  Don’t be a leader then micro-manage the shit out of everyone because you can’t delegate.  Likewise, don’t be a worker bee that insists on doing everything your way because you can’t follow a simple direction.
• Decide what’s most important to you and stick with that.  If you’re a health nut, don’t sign up to oversee the candy fundraiser and then spend weeks trying to find an organic, gluten and dairy free candy bar that doesn’t taste like ass.  You will drive your committee crazy.  Instead, offer to write a few paragraphs each month in the PTA newsletter about healthy eating or bake vegan cupcakes for the next Valentine’s party. This isn’t rocket science.  Do what you like.  Like what you do.
• Knock if off with the “reply all”.  Emails get sent out to large lists of PTA people.  Unless you’re told to hit reply all and keep everyone in the loop – just hit reply!  Don’t stuff my in box with your bitching, moaning, suggestions and/or excuses.  I don’t need to know.  I don’t want to know.  I don’t have to know.  
• Your willingness to help out your child is wonderful.  Your compulsion to do everything for your child is a problem.  When you help out with the dance, stay focused on the punch bowl and the balloon arch.  Signing up  so you can spy on your kid, review the DJ’s song lists, suggest dress code changes and ensure that only healthy snacks are donated, is not appropriate. Your kid is one of a diverse mix of races, ethnicities, intelligence, and socioeconomic status.  Add to that the different rates of maturation, raging hormones, personality quirks and basic trends and you start to realize that school activities need to reach an extremely broad range of children.  Everything can’t perfectly fit the needs of your child.  Suck it up and roll with it. Trust that your child might actually benefit and that change may do him or her some good.

Clearly, I could blog about this for weeks.  I know for certain, I haven’t covered all PTA tips in this one post.  Please feel free, dear reader, to fill in the blanks as you see fit.