An acquaintance became pregnant out of the blue. Her youngest was in kindergarten, I think. It made me a little nervous. If she and her physician husband can accidentally get pregnant – could I? Eventually I forgot about it.
My neighbor is pregnant. Again, a surprise pregnancy. Her youngest child is in 4th grade. It made me extremely nervous because my youngest is in third grade. Eventually I stopped worrying about it.
Yesterday my boss called. My boss who’s one fallopian tube and ovary had been removed while the other had undergone a tubal ligation. My boss with the birth control method that’s 99.5% effective. Yep, you guess it. She’s pregnant.
I have the weirdest sensation when someone my age, that’s "done" having kids, that’s gone to great lengths not to have kids, gets pregnant. I get nervous. I giggle. I say things out loud like "CONGRATULATIONS" while in my head, ala, Homer Simpson style, I say things to myself like, "HOLY SHIT".
I’m afraid. If fallopian tubes can untie themselves and regenerate and reattach themselves to ovaries and actually work – then what else is possible? What other birth control methods might backfire?
I remember peeing on the test stick when I was verifying my second pregnancy and thinking that I should fully experience the moment because it was going to be my last time taking a pregnancy test. I always joke around that I have two hands, therefore I can only handle two kids. I’ve never wanted 3, 4, 5, or more kids. I got Mormon and strict Catholic friends with large families – I break out in hives when I’m around them. I’m good at a lot of things – being a mother to a large gang of kids is not my forte.
I think to have a large family you either need to be super spontaneous and fly by the seat of your pants – or super strict with a regimented daily life. Since I land somewhere in the middle, I’m extremely under qualified for the job. Because of that I use scientifically devised birth control methods and trust that God knows my obvious limitations and doesn’t sprinkle me with stork dust.
I really need something else to obsess about. Clearly, I’ve done everything I can do. Perhaps I should focus my energies on giving birth to the big ideas that I have in my head. Sort of deploy all of my creative juices to other parts of my body. Maybe the best way to avoid creating a life is to create something else instead.