Pat Robertson, televangelist extraordinaire, has performed his annual spewing of negative energy, oops, I mean, revealed his annual “predictions from God”. Apparently God told him that there would be a mass killing due to a terrorist attack in late 2007. Specifically God’s 411 on the subject was…well…unspecific.
I’m not necessarily saying that’s it’s going to be nuclear. The Lord didn’t say nuclear. But I do believe it’ll be something like that. ~ Pat Robertson
Something sorta, kinda, maybe nuclear. Are we talking dirty bomb? Fertilizer type bomb? Anthrax? Nerve Gas? It seems the creator of all things was a little fuzzy on the details. However, we do know that major cities and millions of people will be struck down sometime after September.
What’s really interesting about the Associated Press article, found on the ABC News site, is that it revisits Robertson’s past predictions. Although he predicted that conservatives would be nominated by Bush to federal courts (they were) he also said that Social Security would be reformed by Bush (it hasn’t been). When asked about his hits and misses, Robertson is quoted as saying:
“I have a relatively good track record. Sometimes I miss.” ~ Pat Robertson
I? Hmm. I thought God told him. Could it be the voices that Robertson hears aren’t actually God’s but of a psychotic, say, schizophrenic nature? I sure hope so because the God I worship isn’t such a downer. I’ve always pictured the divine master of the universe as more of an optimist.
Imagine hanging out with Robertson’s God. You’re sitting around a diner with your pals, sipping a cup of coffee, munching on a bagel when God, A.K.A. “Negative Nelly” shows up. You all roll your eyes as he walks in the door.
“If he starts bitching to the waitress that his eggs are too runny and makes a scene like he did last week, I’m outta here,” someone whispers.
“Do you know he still hasn’t paid me back the $800 dollars he owes me? But just last week he booked a junket to Vegas! What the fuck is that about? ” you chime in.
I’m sure that Robertson’s God would be the jerk that tells you when you’ve gained a few pounds or that red really isn’t your color once you’ve arrived at the party and can’t change into your blue dress, or that “Hey, dinner was good but your seared salmon was a little on the ‘dry’ side”. I bet talking religion and politics with him would be a huge pain in the ass.
Frankly the negative predictions just don’t make any sense. Considering what goes on in the world, wouldn’t a better marketing plan consist of sharing the positive predictions for 2007? Wouldn’t that make God look better and attract more customers? Why not tell me about the fabulous medical breakthrough scheduled to happen this coming August, or an amazing piece of art that will be created on Arbor Day in the mid-west or share with me who’s going to be the next Super Bowl MVP. Something. Anything. Throw me a bone. I’ve got enough people scaring the hell out of me on a daily basis. I would expect God of all beings to be the one that not only sees the glass as half-full but chooses to focus on the bright side of things.
What’s the point of all the doom and gloom, anyway? Is it supposed to encourage folks to convert to Christianity on the off chance they’re going to die this year? Or does the incessant use of scare tactics give Robertson higher ratings, advertising revenues and a heftier bottom line?
They say that you can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you know what? A huge pile of shit attracts a ton of flies as well.