If I say that I’m adding you or your loved ones to my prayers, well that’s not completely true. I’ll add you to my prayer. As in singular. As in I’ll pray right there on the spot and move on with my life. I’m not what I call a serial pray-er. I don’t repeat my prayers every day or throughout the day. In fact I can’t remember the last time I said a prayer more than once. I certainly have the time, I just don’t believe that God does. I think she has a ton of items on her “to do” list and as great as she probably is with multi-tasking, she doesn’t need my constant interruptions. I tell her once and I figure she’s got it. I figure she’s taking care of shit. I figure she’s God – I don’t have to tell her twice.
What I need to get better at doing is sending positive vibes or whatever you want to call it, to the person that’s suffering because that would probably be very helpful. I doubt that you can get too many good vibrations, right? So I’m going to add that to my Lenten ritual starting today.
In case you’re wondering, the no flour during Lent thing is actually going well. I screw up every once in a while, but to be honest, avoiding flour isn’t so bad and – BONUS – after 10 days without flour I’ve have officially slept through the night 2 nights in a row! This is nothing short of a miracle. Seriously. I’ve been waking up between 3:30 – 4:30 for about a year now.
I’m reading The Red Book by Sera Beak. She calls herself a spiritual cowgirl because she’s studied and sampled almost everything from the all you can eat spiritual buffet. Depending on who you ask that can be a good thing or a bad thing. Spiritual samplers are either open minded, free-thinkers that want to experience religion it in all it’s different and sometimes contrasting forms or morally ambiguous and unable to pick a religion due to a significant lack of discipline.
I’m definitely a sampler and it doesn’t surprise me that I can’t pick a church. My motto is work smart not hard so there’s a good chance that I do in fact lack discipline. But I went to so many different churches as a kid and couldn’t help but notice how they all were right. Until we switched to a different denomination only to learn that the folks across town were actually right. Only to go to the next town over and find that hey, it’s these people that have all the answers.
Unless of course they didn’t.
I think it bothers my mom that I don’t go to a church. I made her happy for about a year when I was hanging out with the Unitarians but they were way too out there for my husband. On Easter Sunday when they kept using the word, allegedly, to describe the death and resurection of Christ, I wasn’t sure if he was suffering from a brain aneurysm or if sharp, red hot pains were shooting up his ass – but the look on his face – I knew he’d never be back.
We have since ceased our church search so I read books like Beak’s and talk to my kids about religion and spirituality. I think personally I’m looking for a place that honors the divine feminine. Maybe a religion that talks about the father, son and mother for a change. How can I see myself or expect my daughters to resonate with a belief system when a ghost gets higher billing than the mom?
I’m definitely too damn lazy to be a Wiccan. I just don’t have time right now to learn all the herbs, moon phases, spells, chants, and sabats. Besides, I don’t want to drop my man-God as much as I want to add a Gal-Goddess to the formulation. I just want some balance. Some yin/yang. Maybe the addition of a mama-maker whose feminine energy is just as revered and important as the oozing masculininty of the man upstairs.
So the search continues. Beak claims that I can ignite my own divine spark and worship in a way that resonates with my soul even if no one else does it like me. She’s right. I am comfortable flying without a net and feel pretty secure in my ability to bounce if I fall. So in the meantime, I’ll take what I need, like following Lent even though I don’t have to and yes, I’ll eat fish today because it’s Friday. There’s a part of the mass where you take your thumb and make the sign of the cross on your forehead, your mouth and your neck. I do that in yoga during my Sun Salutation when my hands are in prayer pose. My form of confession is writing in a journal. I hung a really cool Jesus with the following eyes picture in my yoga room. He has a great view of Ganesha that sits next to a deck of new age positive thinking cards and right below a plaque with Chinese symbols that translated, mean “harmony”.
They all seem to get along well in there. Now if only all the folks that worship these different deities could.
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