Where Are All The Adults?

Author’s note – I accidentally published this before I had edited it – so I made some changes below and reposted.


My biggest disappointment in life to date, is the realization that quite a few adults are assholes. As a child I specifically remember thinking that adults were smart, reliable and had integrity. I figured all of the conversations that I wasn’t allowed to listen in on were simply the adults figuring out the “right thing to do” to solve whatever problem was at hand.

I just assumed that when I grew up I too would know how to do the right thing and automatically do it. I would automatically take the high road when a decision needed to be made and would therefore be blessed with certain privileges like an uncanny ability to open all stuck jars, read maps and be trusted with matches. Imagine my surprise when I became an adult and realized that not everyone was morphing into a responsible grownup, just staying the simpletons that they were but with noticeable ear hair, wrinkles and stretch marks. Some of course age well, and are down right beautiful but sadly, still asshole-like.


What a let down.

Since the odds of me ever meeting any of the above assholes is pretty slim, it’s easy for me to forget all about them. They affect me but I don’t have to deal with them face to face on a daily basis. Being famous assholes, if I did come across them, I would recognize them and could quickly round a corner and run the other way.

But what about the out and out freaks of the world? You know, the dudes that they catch on nightly news magazine shows showing up to have sex with children. You know, the guy that runs an ER and pays his taxes and goes to church and makes his kids wear bicycle helmets and washes his hands after taking a shit yet HAS SEX WITH CHILDREN? What the fuck is that about? Lets face it, if you know that you need to remove fecal matter from underneath your nail-beds then you’re smart enough to know that raping a child is wrong. How do I successfully avoid these assholes?


You see the other false premise that I had as a child was that the “bad guys” of the world were fucked up human beings. They lived under bridges, couldn’t hold down jobs, were loners in lieu of maintaining families or having meaningful relationships and probably didn’t bathe all that much. They had greasy hair and scars and bad skin and you could spot them as easily as the famous idiots we all know and hate.

Yet when they catch a child rapist or serial killer often times these folks are pretty fucking functional. They are very Ted Bundy-like. So it’s got me thinking. If all the adults aren’t necessarily adults making good decisions and all the freaks aren’t necessarily acting in ways that raise red flags, I’ve got to personally know some of the shit heads roaming the planet. If you just go straight statistics, then I’m probably friends with a criminal, maybe even a pedophile. And news flash, you probably are too. I do get some wonky vibes around certain men, and I avoid them like the plague along with keeping my kids away from them. But still, it bugs me to think that there’s probably someone in my extended circle that’s down right dangerous. I guess that’s why it’s so easy to get pissed with the obvious assholes in the world – it keeps us distracted from thinking about the not so obvious assholes among us.

(Bush image taken from this site and Coulter image by cartoonist, Steve Sack)


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