For the cynical and pessimistic, or “For My Uncle Kurt”

Wanting to relate to all readers of my blog and being the “please-as-many-people-as-you-can” type of gal that I am – allow me to present another twist to the astrological information that’s out there. Thanks to my buddy Tom for sending this to me. Of course, as usual, I have no idea who wrote it as it’s one of those  “pass-this-via-email” type of things, but if you know tell me and I’ll put up credit, a link, a public apology for using it without permission, etc.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a
great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone
thinks you are a jerk.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the
FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends, and people resent
you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a
coward. Pisces screw small animals and pick their noses.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick
tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a pain in the butt.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work
like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are
nothing but a goddamn communist.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You are quick and intellectual, and are a thinker. People like you because
you are a bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini’s are notorious for
thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems. They think
you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will
always be on welfare and won’t be worth ####. You are a butthead.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos
are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your
arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a
lot.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to
your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while
screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are
a male, you are probably queer. Most Libra women are whores. They are known
as the world’s greatest liars, although they pretend innocence and lack of
guilt. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect
son-of-a-#####. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on
luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and
pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting duped.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken.
There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill
yourself.

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