If yoga and I were in a relationship – the following is what I imagine a recent conversation with yoga would be like.
Yoga: No offense, Linda, but for a while now you’ve sucked at this relationship. Don’t give me the “It’s not you it’s me” line. I’ve been around long enough to know when I’m being played.
Linda: Okay fine. I’ll say it. I’m just not that into you. That’s why I haven’t been around on a regular basis these last 2 years.
Yoga: So you’re afraid of commitment.
Linda: Please. Don’t insult me. I been married to the same man for almost 20 years. Commitments aren’t my problem. I just had other things to do. Like laundry. Kids to cart around. Softball and lacrosse games to attend. A career to relaunch after a 12-year hiatus. Sorry. You weren’t that important to me. Deal with it.
Yoga: I don’t believe that. Did you lose the address? Forget where the studio was located?
Linda: I drive by the studio all the time. You have giant blue and yellow letters that spell out SOL YOGA in the window. I know where to find you. I work there, remember? Face it. I just haven’t been that into you.
Yoga: But I’m perfect for you. I’m kind and patient and wont hurt you like the others have. You’re just scared.
Linda: What are you talking about?
Yoga: Two words. Jane Fonda. Or leg warmers. Take your pick.
Linda: Are you serious? You’re going to bring up the Jane Fonda tapes I hung out with in 80’s? That was waaaaay before I met you! Before I even heard of you! Why do you gotta throw my past in my face? Geeze. For someone that claims to be all about the now that’s a little below the belt, don’t you think?
Yoga: I’m just saying. You get around. Truth be told, you’ve got a reputation. There was step aerobics (low impact AND high impact), countless gym memberships, pilates, and karate. Oh, remember that Joyce Ellis Dance Class you drug your poor mother to? You about killed her that night. And that was back during your teen and early adult years. I haven’t even mentioned the flings you’ve had since giving birth. Mall walking. Rollerblading. Nia.
Linda: So sue me for having an experimental, bi-physical stage.
Yoga: I’ve got no problem with experimentation. I’ve told you many times that I’m all for us having an open relationship. I can handle sharing you with P90X for example, but I need a little attention. I’m not going to be ignored and then expected to be here waiting for you when you get bored with your little conquests. (P.S. I picture yoga saying the above like:)
Linda: What are you saying? That I’m some kind of exercise slut? I just didn’t want to get serious with anyone. That’s it. There’s no law against that.
Yoga: I’m sure that’s it. I’m sure it has nothing to do with a little commitment problem that you have. Hey, what about your triathlon summer when you got all cross trainer on me?
Linda: Yoga, I was very up front with you when I trained for the triathlon. What kind of control freak are you anyway? It was a goal! You’re not big on goals, remember? Did you ever think maybe that’s why I dated Mr. Triathlon that summer?
Yoga: He was a great guy. Until you couldn’t learn how to swim, then he dropped you faster than you can say, wetsuit.
Linda: Thank you for bringing that up. Like you could ujjayi breathe under water. Whatever.
Yoga: And while we’re on the subject don’t insult my intelligence and pretend that you and running had anything in common. At least respect me enough to tell the truth about that.
Linda: You’re right, running did suck. You got me there, yoga. But his older brother, walking? He’s very nice and unlike you doesn’t demand my undivided attention. I can hang out with walking AND talk on the phone. You know multitask and get some other shit done! You couldn’t multitask if someone paid you AND he lets my dog tag along.
Yoga: Are you kidding me? I absolutely love dogs!
Linda: Saying downward dog over and over and inviting my dog to come inside are not the same thing. I still have to find more time in my day to walk him later. Walking realizes this and appreciates my schedule. He respects it. You on the other hand think you’re so fabulous that I should work my schedule around you.
Yoga: You seriously expect me to believe that you can’t find 60 minutes a few times a week to spend time with me? After all I’ve done for you? Come on. What’s the really all about?
Linda: Fine. You want to know why I don’t come around more often? You’re too demanding. I’ve got to come see you at very specific times. I can’t eat before our dates and when we’re together, you’re all, “Breathe. Focus. Don’t judge just experience. Be open. Accept yourself. Like yourself.” It’s annoying. You’re annoying.
The others just want my body. My mind and spirit can do their own thing. But you? You’re so damn needy. You want all three! Do you know how hard it is to get my mind, body and spirit to show up at the same time? Do you even know the amount of coordination that takes?
Yoga: I do it all the time.
Linda: But you’re 5,000 years old! I’m 42. Excuse me for not being as balanced as you are!
Yoga: You’d be more balanced if you came to see me more often – but you already know that. So what is it? What aren’t you telling me? You can trust me.
Linda: I’ve been dealing with some serious shit and frankly, I just wanted to forget for a while. The problem is, I can’t forget when I’m on my mat. You won’t let me.
Yoga: I just ask for your presence. I’m not attached to the outcome. I don’t care what happens once you’re on your mat. I’ll love and accept you no matter what. You just have to try.
Linda: I did try. If you remember I was the first person to sign up for the 21 Day Yoga Challenge back in January? You said, “Do More Yoga and See What Happens”. You made it sound so damn easy.
Yoga: It was easy. I didn’t say, “You’d better master it every pose or else”. I gave you all the space you needed to see what happens and react to it.
Linda: You want to know what happened? I spent 21 days watching my body fall apart right before my eyes? What the hell am I supposed to do with that information? I didn’t get better. I got worse. You didn’t just kick my ass, yoga. You kicked me when I was down. You stirred up all this shit and expected me to what, just sit and meditate on it!? Are you serious? You bring every physical failing that I’ve buried in the back of my mind to the forefront and I’m supposed to simply sit there quietly and contemplate my naval?
It’s not cool, yoga. Not cool at all. So I bolted.
Yoga: You’re being too hard on yourself. You weren’t supposed to master yoga in 21 days.
Linda: I wasn’t trying to master it. You think this is about me not being able to do crow? Or lotus? This is about me not being able to stand on one foot.
Yoga: Bullshit! Don’t lie to my face. I’ve seen you stand on one foot a million times.
Linda: Yea? When’s the last time you’ve seen me stand on my left foot without a using a wall or a block for balance?
Yoga: What are you saying?
Linda: I’m saying there are some things you don’t know about me. My body has definitely changed since we met and honestly, it’s affected my mind and spirit as well. So if you’re serious about getting back together, serious about unifying the three – I’ve got some serious baggage that you’re going to need to sort through first.
Yoga: I can handle it.
Linda: Okay. Then take a comfortable seat. This is going to take awhile.